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jord-o-saur

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The funny thing is.. [10 Jan 2008|04:19pm]
I gave up this shit a year ago.
And just for fun, here it is.
I'm in the EXACT same spot I was this time last year.
Roughly the same amount of money.
A job that pays well, but doesn't offer enough hours.
Good friends, better times.

Okay, so not the EXACT same place.
I watch Degrassi now.
I want to move to Canada.

Here's what I want to listen to now:

Beck - Guero
Rocket From The Crypt - Circa: Now
Slow Gherkin - Shed Some Skin
MU330 - Crab Rangoon
Boys Night Out - Trainwreck
Rx Bandits - The Resignation
Toasters - One More Bullet


Dude wait, my hair is even the same length.

I'm going to open a restaurant called Blue's that revolves around 1st wave ska. It's going to be a pizza bar that serves noodles too. And steaks, and sometimes chicken strips with honey mustard and a bucket of ranch. The waiters and waitresses have to wear black suits with black ties or something involving suspenders. There will almost always be Toasters and This Are Moon Ska blasting on the system. It'll be sweet, except it'll never fly in Lincoln, so I'll do it in Canada.

I'm fucking bored.
I gotta shower so I can be clean while doing nothin.
2 chains

[08 Jan 2007|02:36pm]
Hey! Look At The Kid With The Shit-Boxers!

A Quick Look Into Personal Hygiene.


A true story by Jordan B. Elfers



I shower daily. When I say I shower daily, I mean I scrub, exfoliate, sing, dance, and rinse daily. Most people can't cross off one of those list-ridden verbs daily. I shower daily for many reasons, but the biggest one is that I can't seem to get as clean as the general college-age populous unless I scrub the shit out of myself for what I project to be three full days. Two days of not showering means my undergarments will be either burned or wrapped in plastic and thrown in the wastebasket. Everyone else can hit a few days, pop them in the washer, and be set for another bout of bad hygiene.
Maybe my body just exudes waste faster than yours. My face collects grease and clogs my pores, my hair tends to look like a rat in an oil can, and my boxer-briefs or boxers...we won't even touch that subject. I want to be diagnosed with a hygiene disorder. Quick-dirty-itis, something along those lines. Maybe I'm just out of shape which makes me sweat and shit more, but that wouldn't make any sense because I know guys who drink two pounds of protein mix a day and can shit me under the table. My feet even begin to stink daily now, however I blame that on walking more and wearing leather shoes a majority of the time.
I once lived with a guy who could go a week or more without showering, he'd just wash his hair and face and shave his beard. I guess if I had thicker hair and a wicked beard I'd be able to cover up the upper deck stench better, but what about the rest of his body? He doesn't really sweat, rarely farts, and even more rarely does the man take a shit. That's what I call a super not irritable bowel syndrome, something any aspiring clean person prays for on the norm. I suppose it could be my eating habits that result in my extreme focus of glandular expulsion.
I suppose I don't eat any differently than the rest of you, as of late especially. Normally my diet consists of two full meals a day (due to my wonderfully timed sleeping schedule). After I wake up sometime between 11 a.m and 1 p.m. I hit the computer, TV, or respective novel for thirty minutes to an hour, I have a cigarette, and the proceed to cook or throw together a decently well-rounded meal. For instance, if I eat two hot dogs I make sure to put cheese on there for the milk group (it's hard for me to drink a hearty glass, seeing as I'm quite stricken with Lactose Intolerance), I also throw ketchup on there just in case there isn't any greenery set aside for my trap to chomp down. Since my recent move there have been more greens so I've tried to stray away from condiments. In the rightful case I'm hitting every food group except for fruit, but when was the last time I had fruit that wasn't involved with alcohol or some concentrated fruit drink? That was probably years ago. If I don't choke down the dual hot dogs with greens on the side add cheese and water, it will probably be the other OscarMeyer delight, a sandwich (sangwich as I lovingly dub it). Toasted bread (probably white because I'm a cheapskate), one slice of OscarMeyer Chopped Ham (I think 80% of it is not, in fact, ham), one slice of Kraft cheese, topped with a slice of OscarMeyer Lean Bologna, two Claussen Sandwich Stacker Pickles, and one Vlasic Pickled Pepperoncini (Or Peppers! as Vlasic proudly describes them). As you can see, on the day-to-day my food vocabulary is very limited. Every now and again I will throw out something insane that I've been planning on cooking for a long time such as some broccoli and beef or some noodle suprise. I've gotten pretty good at cooking, but never utilize my culinary skills on the daily. Once at work I order whatever everyone else is ordering, which usually results in something extremely high in protein, fat, and calories. Not that I really monitor those things, but as I write this I'm starting to realize more and more why I sweat so much.
Strike shoes, sleep schedule, lack of exercise, and horrible diet off of the list and what are we left with? Drinking habits and general laziness. I drink far too often. And when I do drink it normally consists of beer, on occasion I'll go crazy and get some hard booze, some gin, whiskey, what have you, but on the whole it's beer. This, I know, does not help my hygienic stature. Most people wake up after a long night of drinking smelling like a bar. I, however, wake up smelling like a steamy load of shit dropped in a tobacco shack that once doubled as a feedlot. Maybe that's just Gods way of telling me I shouldn't drink anymore. But what does he really know about me? He didn't help me when I had gun pulled on me or when some crackhead stole my friends GameCube from my house. Alas, drinking is a giant addition to my hygiene problem. It's always been my opinion that alcohol can literally exude from your pores after excessive drinking, but I think in my case it actually stays in my body and forces out all of my waste in the fashion of a bullet traveling from the gun shaft. I'll stick to drinking, because when I don't I feel too creative.
The last available answer is overall laziness. It's to the point now that I'd rather sleep for three extra hours and feel like shit for oversleeping than get out of my bed to take a piss. That, my friends, is laziness. When given the chance to leave early from work, where I do next to nothing anyway, I leave early even if I have t walk home, which should technically cancel out my laziness, right? Wrong, the whole walk home I'll be bitching about walking and kicking myself for not convincing a friend to pick me up. My physical activity is limited now, it normally consists of walks up and down the stairs to shower, sleep, or use the bathroom. I also walk outside frequently to smoke. If smoking were a university, it would be my alma mater. I believe smoking cancels out all the bad shit I put in my body by speeding up my metabolism. I don't care if it's a myth, if it is I hope they don't put it on Myth Busters, because my life will then be ruined. I have a small net of walking distance downtown when my bus stops. It consists of 12th and Q to 14th and O to 17th and P to 14th and N. Those locations hold my job, Subway, Jake's smoke shop, the bookstore, the coffee house, Kabredlo's, Wells Fargo, and the public library. Strewn about that region are random eateries, and not too far off are my favorites: Amigos and Arby's. That is the extent of my physical experience aside from walking to the bus stop which is hardly a block away. I also walk from cars to other houses only to repeat the same process involving only the bathroom, the fridge, and the porch.
In retrospect, my hygiene is the way it is due to my lifestyle. If I were an olympic swimmer I would consistently smell like roses or whatever million dollar cologne I felt like wearing that day, but I would also have to work out. It's a double-edged sword in my fair opinion. I can take the time to shower every single day with one unattainable goal in mind, or I can actually work for it and save time not showering. Why should I care, I lose wither way. I either shower and feel clean and live to my standards, or I fix my shape and don't shower and don't feel clean. If you want good hygiene, reverse the way I live, but keep the daily showers. Show this to your fucking children and save them the burden of finding out on their own that they're next-to-nothing.
1 chains

It's come to my attention. [07 Jan 2007|01:32pm]
That I should write more short story ideas when I'm drunk.
I awoke to find out I was using my mp3 player and large headphones as a stereo, my phone had been beeping all night..morning, and i had a notebook and a pen.

In chicken chicken chicken scratch it read:


A) Look at the kid in the shit-boxers!!
"Hygeine"


B) 6 PM, Good bands, 5 Dollars!
"The Demise Of The Local Show"

C) Mr. Intimidation
"Bitches"






God I'm great. Probably the best part is that by reading those headlines I know exactly the style I was planning on writing in during my drunken state.
Great things happen with gin!
chains

Pretty stoked... [06 Jan 2007|04:45pm]
To drink mixed drinks tonight.
Not stoked about 10 bucks.
But whatever, I can deal.
1 chains

[03 Jan 2007|07:32pm]
Haven't talked without getting paid for over a day now.
Feels good.
Just worked out.
Feels good.
Time for a sangwich.
Will feel good.
2 chains

[26 Dec 2006|07:47pm]
I hate.
I need to turn my house into a sparkling ball of joy in like one week.
I need to get ahold of a landlord who doesn't answer his phone.
My CD player has officially bought the farm.
And everyone is always so pre-occupied lately.
It's disgusting that I'm one of maybe 5 people without someone to be smitten with at any one time.
It's liberating for me, but depressing to see all of you change.
3 chains

[21 Dec 2006|08:53pm]
God damn it, body.
I'm in wicked pain from dancing around like a moron two nights in a row.
One which was out of line and resulted in my shirt off, which only happens outside of me being alone maybe once a year.

I don't know why I died last night but I don't like it.
Also don't like that I'm generous with my money...gotta stop that.
I'm an idiot right now.
Time to go shower, change into dirty clothes, walk to work and grab some grub on the way.
See you on the routine!
chains

Bored...a lot. [18 Dec 2006|01:54am]
Everyone is out hangin' with their girls or practicing their bands.
Obviously too busy to pay attention to little old Jordan.
Which means, in turn, I'm way to busy for any of you OR your girls.
Get on out.
chains

You ever notice... [06 Nov 2006|08:05pm]
How much history really does repeat itself?
It's November.
Last November I was doing exactly what I am right now.
Feeling creative, having OCD as far as my house's cleanliness goes.
Always, I'm discovering new music that makes me feel different, contemplative and adventurous.
And as with nearly every November, I'm suffering from my annual fall sickness.
This year it's a rock in my throat that kills me a little every time I think about it.

Difference between '05 and '06 is that I was making new friends last November.
If anything this year I'm strengthening old ones, which I'm okay with.
Because with gain comes loss.
And I'd rather grow roots than lose branches.

Last year it was American Football, Jamison Parker, Straylight Run, and Pedro The Lion.
This year it's David Bazan, Ben Kweller, The Hush Sound, and M. Ward.

We'll see what becomes of me.
I've got all these creative plans that I more than likely won't follow through with unless I have some peer motivation.
On one project I've got a lot of peer motivation, because it's something I can include everyone in.
My other one, I have some motivation because of a peer.
I'm glad I've got someone nearly pressuring me to write again.
chains

[10 Oct 2006|03:03am]
I JUST GOT THE TRACK LISTING TO GUITAR HERO II!


1. Opening Licks
Motley Crue - Shout at the Devil
Danzig - Mother
Cheap Trick - Surrender
Wolfmother - Woman
Spinal Tap - Tonight I'm Gonna Rock You Tonight

2. Amp-Warmers
Kiss - Strutter
Nirvana - Heart-Shaped Box
Police - Message in a Bottle
Van Halen - You Really Got Me
Kansas - Carry on Wayward Son

3. String-Snappers
Foo Fighters - Monkey Wrench
Alice in Chains - Them Bones
Iggy Pop and the Stooges - Search and Destroy
Pretenders - Tattooed Love Boys
Black Sabbath - War Pigs

4. Thrash and Burn
Warrant - Cherry Pie
Butthole Surfers - Who Was in My Room Last Night
Mathew Sweet - Girlfriend
Rolling Stones - Can't You Hear Me Knockin'
Guns N' Roses - Sweet Child O' Mine

5. Return of the Shred
Rage Against the Machine - Killing in the Name Of
Primus - John the Fisherman
Sword - Freya
Thin Lizzy - Bad Reputation
Aerosmtih - Last Child

6. Relentless Riffs
Heart - Crazy on You
Stone Temple Pilots - Tripping on a Hole in a Paper Heart
Stray Cats - Rock This Town
Allman Brothers - Jessica
Jane's Addiction - Stop

7. Furious Fretwork
Anthrax - Madhouse
Living End - Carry Me Home
Lamb of God - Laid to Rest
Reverend Horton Heat - Psychobilly Freakout
Rush - YYZ

8. Face-Melters
Avenged Sevenfold - Beast and the Harlot
Suicidal Tendencies - Institutionalized
Dick Dale - Misirlou
Megadeth - Hangar 18
Lynyrd Skynyrd - Free Bird






I'm pissed that Free Bird is the final.
6 chains

[01 Oct 2006|11:21pm]
Long overdue, here we go.

I just completed a 1.5 week slump of poverty. Now I'm living better than I have for a good while. I figured out my money situation and will hopefully never be broke again, unless I'm too generous.

To continue that gut-spilling, I've been bitched about and whined on about my being broke. My problem (mind you I'm spilling it right now) is that I'm too generous when I've got it. To put it into material terms I'll buy my friends fast food, or give them beer and cigarettes until I fall over broke. It doesn't bother me and I will continue doing it. But my biggest rant on the sitch is that I expect my friends to treat me how I treat them, if I'm down and out or don't want to use my debit card they should be nice enough to share. Negatory.

Enough of that, I'm done and over it, and I'm drinking on top of it.
I found out a few days ago that I had the possibility to venture to El Paso, TX...the place of my birth. I finally get to witness my hometown first-hand. I've got vacation time and personal time to cover 5 days at work and I'm praying I can get someone to cover the sixth. Me, praying, yeah, fuck that.
Kickball is marvelous. Bellevue next weekend. I'm gonna see Jackass 2 on Saturday.

And last, but not least, go find me a girlfriend.
2 chains

[25 Sep 2006|02:59pm]
I really like this funny obscure indie hardcore weird thing I just started to really like.
chains

[16 Sep 2006|10:30am]
If any of you have been listening to me lately I sent a big e-mail to the RX Bandits a few days ago. Their management finally got back to me.


Here is the initial e-mail I sent to them:

I didn't know the best way to get ahold of you guys so I mass e-mailed the group and the management hoping someone will see this plea. According to various sources and a 2+2=4 you guys are looking for another Trombone player or a new Tenor Sax since Borth left the band to pursue Satori.

RX Bandits have been my band of choice for a good majority of my life. Of my 19 years on this planet RXB has been a part of 7 of them. You guys are the musical and inspirational blood my heart is pumping. I heard "What If" off of "Halfway Between Here And There" in 1999 from an older brothers friend and I was hooked for life. I followed your progressive career (no pun intended) to the release of "Progress" in 2001 and was blown away by the overall maturity and improvement. "The Resignation" was released in 2003 and with no surprise threw me dancing on the floor with utter excitement. After a failed attempt at seeing the Bandits live in 2003 (alongside Something Corporate, Mae, and Number One Fan at the Beaumont in KC, MO) I was crushed, but kept pushing. I embraced the music for what it was, and did until the release of "...And The Battle Begun" when I was once again ruined with excitement and awed with the overall delivery. After this July I flaunted the fact that I saw my favorite band live and the rocked my body dry (or wet rather due to the immense humidity in KS). After a combined driving time of 8 hours I was fulfilled.

I was hoping Steve Borth would be finishing the tour with you guys, much to my dismay he wasn't. Granted, Andrew from Monty Are I did a wonderful job of filling in that show it wasn't the same. I still put my entire being into that show until I could barely move (literally, the ride home was a blur for many reasons).

I read that you guys are looking for a new player and I figured it's worth a shot. I'm underlyingly not looking for a tryout or even a consideration, it would be nearly absurd to put faith in someone you barely know...but to repeat; it's worth a shot. I've had experience in music since I was in the womb. My father was an aspiring blues guitarist/singer which in my opinion he pissed down the drain with a teaching degree. My mother has the most soothing voice I've ever heard, as with my sister. My brother is finally going somewhere with his talent in a band called JVA (http://www.myspace.com/jva) who just landed a release in Japan. I don't want to see my musical drive goto waste, not to say it is now.

I've had musical experience with my voice, my trombone, and a dabble here and there on the piano since I was 10 years old. In the last nine years I've put it to use in a few bands here and there and only a couple of notable ones in my opinion. In 2004 I recorded with a band by the name of Morningstar.

A Recording of Morningstar can be found below. The quality is horrible because we insisted on a live analog recording and the man behind the equipment had no idea of our intentions.

http://suckapunchrecords.com/jord/morningstar2.mp3

The song in specific, Ave Maria, features me on the tambourine, the claps, and the trombone.

Due to distance and a change of musical style I left the band in 2005 where they went on to form "The Heroine Nod-offs".

I moved from a smaller town to a larger one, Nebraska's capitol to join a more new and fresh band called "The Totally Awesome Fun Band" (TAFB). A few of our most recent recordings can be found below.


http://suckapunchrecords.com/jord/tafb1.mp3
http://suckapunchrecords.com/jord/tafb2.mp3
http://suckapunchrecords.com/jord/tafb3.mp3

The recordings feature me on the trombone and backup vocals at parts. The recording is much more digital and is obviously has triggered and punched in parts. My specific trombone parts are done as live as possible with a digital recording and took me about an hour to nail.


I realize I just wrote a book that we can name "The History Of Jordan Elfers", but it's for a good cause. I'd like to hear back from you guys in any way, positive or negative. Just know that I have the means and the finances to give everything up for any sort of jam/chilling/tryout that you might have in mind as soon as possible. I would personally fly out there with the clothes on my back. Not only am I moved by RXBs music, but I can also agree with your outlooks and ideas on the current governmental, econmical, and anthropological situation.

Please shoot something back my way if you guys read this short story I just sent. It would mean a lot to me just to hear back. And know that no matter what the decision, you will always have a diehard fan in the midwest. If you do need to get ahold of my you can shoot me an e-mail back here (jordanelfers@hotmail.com), find me on myspace (http://www.myspace.com/jordiscoolest), or even if you're feeling crazy give me a call at 402-601-3182.

Thanks for reading and possibly considering,
Jordan Blue Elfers





AND!

Here is the long-awaited response:

Jordan,
Your book is fascinating. THe real problem is the RXB live in Seal Beach California and unless there is someone that can come with no cost , no obligation , no expectation to play with them full time it 's hard to say anything to a request from someone who is only 19 and who can not just get in the car and drive for an hour to jam to see if the ability is right to do some shows with them. RXB will not be adding a member they are writing a new record based on being a 5 piece they are looking simply for a sax player that can play the music previous fofr some shows, but with the lack of time to rehearse and such the likelihood of someone from so far away being feasable it's just seems not really possible.

The ad for the touring member does state must live close to LA/Orange county is for a very specific reason and a logistic reason which is they jam every day and if this person can't participate every day for the next 3 months then they are not the right choice.

YOur rad, I'm glad you love RXB it is inspirational to all of us to recieve these kinds of emails. but unfortunately your geography does not bode well for this.

Much love and respect.

Best
Cathy



Not exactly what I wished for. But, baby come dance with me!
2 chains

[13 Sep 2006|12:44pm]
Let's talk about anticipation.
I haven't been more anxious in my entire life.
1 chains

[03 Sep 2006|01:40pm]
Ehh last night was....bad. That's all.
I'm over it now, just started slumpin and then a big like 1 minute fight happened and I'm glad it stopped.
Kickball today!
Keasbey Nights today!
chains

[28 Aug 2006|10:40pm]
As if my day couldn't get any better.


Wake up, make a wonderful Rueben just by using ham and the usual ingredients. Wonderful, good start, high five.

A friend of mine shows up only to tell me I have a ticket on my car. It was a warning for a 24-hour parking violation and a 100$ fine for no registration. Apparently it's illegal to park your own unregistered car in front of your own house. That of course is all due to the public road it's parked on. Apparently, they can even ticket it on a private drive from what the City of Lincoln ever-so-bitchedly let me know over the phone. Wonderful, an extra 100 bucks to register my car that I couldn't afford in the first place. That's not all...the reason it's on my street is because it DOES NOT MOVE. Got sold a broken car, yippee.

On top of that I've heard rumors about someone extremely close to me that dissapoint me to the point of jailbreak. If that makes any sense.

And after a long day of thinking about God raining shit on me, I come home to find a note from my roommate Blake's parents telling me how to live my life. About how I'm living in a pigsty, and this house shouldn't be a pigsty, and if I want to live in a pigsty I should (roughly said) get the fuck out of their house before they make me. A landlord shouldn't be able to tell me how to live my life. A landlord shouldn't have random visits. Ah well.

What a good day. I could use a goddamn backrub.
7 chains

Well, there you have it.. [28 Aug 2006|01:28pm]
The heat's almost gone and our bones are running cold again. That is, unless we're already fixing our problems.
About every year this time I get the same gut feeling that my life is irrelevent.
No, not in a "I'm-about-to-go-off-myself" way, because that would make everything even mroe irrelevent.
It's in a, I'm supposed to be doing something huge and instead I'm living paycheck-to-paycheck.
I think the only thing that can bum me out anymore is lack of money. Of course other things can bum me out, but nothing can knock me on my ass like the feeling of "will I cover rent this month?".
But other than that, I'm wonderful. Thanks.
1 chains

[22 Aug 2006|01:13pm]
Everyone is starting school and it makes me feel even more lazy.
All I do before work is smoke a couple of cigarettes, maybe do the dishes, and eat a sandwich or something.
I need to get a bike.
Bad.
So if anyone has a spare. Feel free. Otherwise keep bummin me rides until it snows or so.
I'm going to go wash the dishes and make a sandwich and feel lazy.
1 chains

AOL [15 Aug 2006|01:06pm]
Apparently AOL released user searches on the web. They're now off but people took screenshots.
Either way here are some of my favorite searches courtesy of Something Awful:




Just look at the obscure ending searches.








This is by far the best one because of the last couple of searches.




Check out the rest at SomethingAwful.com
4 chains

[07 Aug 2006|10:47am]
Welp, I'm officially getting sick.
And I'm more than broke.
Carl on my neck came back and it hurts to cough!
Bye smoking. Damn it.
Time to go negotiate.


If everyone listened to Streetlight Manifesto, Reel Big Fish, Tokyo Ska Paradise Orchestra, and the new TAFB CD every day our lives would be better.
1 chains

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